So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
