Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
