It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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