So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
