i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
