dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
