I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
