how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
