and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
