I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize