I just made out with a guy for $7.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
