Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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