I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
people are starting to question the shark bite story
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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