I will die if light touches me.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
