My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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