It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
