Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
