May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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