Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
