Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
They took my balls.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
