i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
