I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
