Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
