he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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