I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
