margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
