guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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