I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
