We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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