I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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