tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How does one acquire holy water?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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