Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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