the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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