I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
