i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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