Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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