I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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