True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
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couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
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I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You've changed since you got that strap on
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
We smell like vodka and hangover
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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