I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
