At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
