i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
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