the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
