So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Im just a social blackout drinker.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.