I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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