No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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