I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
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