I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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