you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
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The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
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The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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