Soap is not a condiment
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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