getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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