Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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