I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
