He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
