Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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