her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.