used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
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When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
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he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.