Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt