i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
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she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
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I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.