i just wanna soil my oats bro
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
