Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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