So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
