I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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