My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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